Random Thoughts
1. Madison - A Massachusetts man was arrested Friday afternoon after he allegedly drove Thursday night to Madison, impersonated an officer and pulled a gun on a woman whose son he had met playing the online role-playing game World of Warcraft. Trevor L. Lucas, 21, of Gloucester, was arrested by Massachusetts State Police, Madison police said. According to the complaint: Lucas had met the woman’s son, whose age is unknown, about a year ago playing World of Warcraft and had asked the son to send nude photographs of himself to Lucas. The son notified Madison police and placed Lucas on an “ignore list” for the game. Lucas then sent the son messages threatening to hurt him if he didn’t pay him back money Lucas claimed to have spent on the son in the game. Lucas went to a residence on Bellgrove Lane shortly before 9 p.m. Thursday and asked the woman if her son lived there, saying he was with the National Security Recruiting Department and needed to speak with her son about e-mails from about a year ago.When the woman asked to see his identification, Lucas went to his vehicle, which resembled an undercover police vehicle with antennas on the back and hood and a push bar on the front bumper, and returned with a leather binder with file folders in it. He then pulled a handgun out of the binder, pushed open the door to the residence and pointed the gun at her face. The woman pushed the door closed and screamed, and Lucas fled and returned to Massachusetts.
So let me get this straight. This guy drove across the fucking country because this kid wouldn’t send him naked pictures of himself and wouldn’t take him off the “ignore list” on World of War Craft? And then when he finally gets there the mother pushes the door in his face and he tucks tail and runs back to Massachusetts? Are you shitting me? That’s it? So much for all that “We’re Gloucesterman!” mumbo jumbo from the Perfect Storm huh? I mean this guy is nothing but a big pussy. Dude, you’re the one with the gun. You’re the one with fake files. You’re the one impersonating a National Security Recruiting Department officer. You’re the one who drove all the way to fucking Wisconsin. So do me a favor and at least take a hostage or molest the kid a little bit or something. Sad day to be from Gloucester indeed.
2. BOSTON — Tedy Bruschi is retiring after a 13-year career marked by an inspiring return to the New England Patriots as a starting linebacker eight months after a stroke. A person familiar with his decision tells The Associated Press that the 36-year-old Bruschi will announce his retirement at a news conference Monday morning. The person spoke on condition of anonymity because no announcement had been made. The team declined comment Sunday night. Bruschi played on all three Super Bowl-winning Patriots teams. The last championship game was on Feb. 6, 2005, against the Philadelphia Eagles. Ten days later he was hospitalized after experiencing numbness in his left arm and left leg and blurry vision and was diagnosed with a mild stroke.
This is one of those moments that is no doubt sad, but it’s that wistful kind of sad as opposed to the tragic kind. It’s like seeing a guy you work with turn in his retirement papers and head off on a cross country RV trip with the Mrs. instead of hanging around the office waiting to get downsized. Tedy Bruschi is leaving on his own terms, with his head held as high as any of us could hope when our end comes.
And it’s not like this is coming as a bolt out of the blue. With his typical disarming honesty and candor, Tedy had been openly talking about his life after football. And how he had no problems excepting a more limited role with the team. That he recognized the heart, brains and green dot of the Pats defense was now Jerrod Mayo. Playing with the 2nd unit against the Redskins the other night, you could see him making the reads faster than anyone else, breaking toward the ball before anyone else, but his legs weren’t getting him to the ball carrier as fast as the younger guys, and you knew his career was starting to run out of pavement.
Not that he has anything to apologize for. On the contrary. If Tedy Bruschi’s play dropped off, it wasn’t for lack of effort. You can’t fight nature, and nobody tried harder than him. It there was a play he took off or a moment when he was only giving 99% effort, then we all must’ve been in the beer line because nobody saw it. It’s just that since he came back from the stroke, as willing as the spirit was, the flesh just couldn’t keep up and he was no longer making game changing, impact plays. In the 4 years prior to the stroke, he had 10 INTs, and ran something like 5 in a row back for TDs. In the 4 years since, he had 1 INT. He still contributed, but he just wasn’t Tedy Bruschi. But still, when you consider how it felt when you heard the news he’d had a stroke and again on that gawdawful night two years ago when the rumors were going around that he was dead, you take the last 4 years and you’re grateful you got to see him play he play as well as he did.
But it’s not easy watching these great Patriots who were instrumental in turning the franchise into a dynasty leave the game. Troy Brown. Rodney Harrison. Willie McGinest. Even Drew Bledsoe. Bruschi was drafted by Bill Parcells, spent the early part of his career near the bottom of the depth chart, got moved around from one position to another. And here were are 13 years later listening to him talk about his retirement with a fistful of championship rings and his place in Patriots history etched in granite. Hopefully he’ll approach his next job like he did the last one: Full Tilt, Full Time.
3. Waterford — The man charged by town police Thursday with pretending to be a student at Waterford High School said today that the ruse was meant to expose flaws in the school system’s security measures as part of book project. School officials said Schildt concocted an elaborate scheme to perpetuate the ruse, meeting with them as far back as last June to set up the alleged scam. “I had complete access to the school,” he said. “This isn’t forgery, it’s a lesson.” According to Principal Donald Macrino, Schildt “developed a rather elaborate scheme including forged school records, birth certificate, guardianship papers, etc. Schildt had met with Macrino and district Superintendent Randall Collins in June to tell them he would be bringing a nephew into the school in the fall from Florida, Collins said. Macrino said Schildt told them that his nephew “Matt” had been sexually abused by Schildt’s twin brother, and then the brother killed himself. Schildt told them “Matt” suffered from an ailment that made him sensitive to light and so had to wear sunglasses, and that he had also been treated for throat cancer and therefore could not speak much, Macrino said. Toward the end of the first day of school Thursday, Macrino said three teachers told him they were suspicious that “Matt” was a legitimate student. Macrino said he called the police, and then tried to get “Matt” on the phone. He said Schildt said “Matt” could not come to the phone. Waterford police went to Schildt’s home and he was subsequently arrested. “It was “to the credit of the teachers in the high school that within hours of the opening of school they were raising questions to Don (Macrino),” Collins said. “Within six and a half hours we had called police and by the end of the day he was arrested.”
Have you ever seen somebody brag as much for doing as little as this guy? “I had complete access to the school? This isn’t forgery, it’s a lesson?” Dude what the fuck are you talking about? You spent like a year concocting this elaborate plan and you got busted on day one. You didn’t trick anybody. That’s nothing to brag about. I mean anybody can walk into a school for a day and do whatever they want and that’s without planning for it for 10 months. Seriously if you want me to pay attention to this story get a report card, bang a high school bitch or play sports or something. But until then shut the fuck up and stop acting like you just pulled off Oceans 11.
4. Boston.com - Mike Reiss, the Globe and Boston.com’s prolific NFL writer, is departing to join ESPNBoston, the sports network’s second city-specific site as it attempts to strengthen its national brand with a local online presence in the nation’s largest and most passionate sports cities. The site will launch Sept. 14, an ESPN spokesman confirmed. Multiple sources with knowledge of the situation indicate that ESPNBoston is pursuing other Globe writers. Sources at WEEI and the Boston Herald indicate that they are unaware of ESPNBoston pursuing any of their staffers, and The Sports Hub 98.5 website is still in the fledgling stage. And there will be yet another player on the local media scene soon, when Comcast Boston premieres a site that intends to compete with Boston.com, WEEI.com, and ESPNBoston, among others, in covering local teams. ESPNChicago debuted in mid-April. It has been a tremendous success, particularly regarding the most important factors to advertisers: visitors and page views. ESPNChicago (espn.go.com/chicago) had more than 700,000 unique visitors in July. It quickly surpassed the traffic numbers for the Chicago Tribune and the Chicago Sun-Times websites to emerge as the most visited sports site in the city, although there is skepticism as to whether ESPN is including numbers from repurposed stories on the main site. “
WARNING: If you don’t like hearing me brag about how awesome I am then don’t read this blog. Because after reading this article I just couldn’t get over how fucking great the Stool is. Because apparently trying to create city specific websites like what I’m trying to do in New York is all the rage right now. Major media players like ESPN, Comcast, WEEI all fighting to become the premier portal for 21-35 year old sports fans in each city. (PS - I’ve had the idea to expand the Stool for like 3 years but couldn’t find any investors willing to believe in me or the concept so I said fuck it I’ll do it myself) Anyway there are rumors that places like WEEI spent nearly 4 million dollars to overhaul their website, hire new writers, put in more technology etc. Sounds like Comcast is doing the same. And now ESPN is making their move into Boston. We’re talking major players here. Big time money. High stakes poker. And I’m sitting here in my apartment in Dorchester with tshirts strewn around the room, running a city specific website that is bigger than all of them. And I’m still broke as shit. It’s fucking hilarious! It’s like I live in a bizarro world or something.
And while I’m ranting, how is it possible that nobody has contacted Jerry Thornton and offered him a 6 figure full time job yet? I know I should keep my mouth shut and be happy that people are idiots but he’s the best fucking Patriots writer on the planet. Sure Mike Reiss is good at getting scoops and shit like that, but for pure talent and writing ability, Jerry is the best. Everybody in Boston knows that because everybody reads our site. Bottom-line is that anybody who launched one of these new conglomerates and didn’t at least try to contact Jerry should be fired for not doing their homework. It’s an absolute no brainer. Instead they are content to just rotate the same exact writers /radio guys around the different media outlets and hope something sticks and then they wonder why they fail.
I mean even in this article Chad Finn mentions, ESPN Boston, WEEI.com, Comcast.com, Sportshub.com and how competitive this market is. Guess what Chad? We dominate all those sites in the two numbers you said were most important which are vistors and pageviews. And that even includes the inflated numbers for ESPN Chicago which they called a smashing success. And we’re only 2 people! It’s fucking insane! You’d think with all the competition and all the money being spent here at some point somebody would be like hey what are those two assholes doing that our millions of dollars aren’t? But for now we’ll just continue to operate in our own little bubble.
I guess Chad Finn summed it up best in his chat today….
12:10 [Comment From John]
I read on Barstool Sports that Shaughnessey might be hired by 98.5…can you comment?
12:11 Chad Finn: I believe Dan is working 12-3 on Saturday and also contributing to the Tanguay and Zo Show. And they need all the contributors they can get.
12:14 Chad Finn: Love Barstool Sports, by the way. I’ll probably get tasered for saying that.
And so goes life at the Stool. The site that everybody reads but it afraid they’ll get tasered if they talk about in public. Viva La Stool Indeed!
5. Wisconsin - A battle is brewing over the fate of 66 roosters, hens and chicks seized in June from the Madison home of a man suspected of running cock fights. In court papers filed last week, the attorney for Jorge Iglesias alleged that the birds are being mistreated at the Dane County Humane Society, where they have been kept since they were seized on June 16 from coops behind Iglesias’ home at 1241 Moorland Road. On Tuesday, the Madison-Dane County Health Department filed a petition asking a judge to transfer custody of the birds to the agency and allow the “humane disposal” of the 32 roosters that have been determined to be aggressive animals. The Health Department is also asking that Iglesias pay the cost of keeping the birds at the Humane Society, which was $36,615 as of Aug. 21… Iglesias’ attorney, Charles Giesen [filed a motion] to return the birds to Iglesias… Giesen’s petition alleges that the roosters and hens are confined to tiny cages that are dirty and covered in excrement… “It is cruel and barbaric to permit these animals to remain in the custody of the Dane County Humane Society when it is apparent that the Humane Society is either unwilling or unable to properly care for them,” Giesen wrote.
I don’t see any reason to doubt that Jorge Iglesias cares about his chickens. Just because he bred them to tear each other’s heads off with razors on their claws doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them. It’s like that Monty Python skit about the hunters when they say “I love animals. And that’s why I like to kill them.” And sometimes you can care about someone and still send them into harm’s way. Just because it’s necessary to do so. It’s no different than a coach loving his players, a general loving his troops or a pimp loving his stable. And it’s got to be torture for Jorge to see his poor chickens all cooped up in… well, a chicken coop. And it’s his concern for their well being that motivating him, not the bill for $36,000. That’s chicken feed to when you’re a big time poultry fight promoter like Jorge Iglesias. It’s just a damned shame Mike Vick didn’t think of this first; it might have saved him a lot of aggravation. Barbaric… BARBARIC.
6. Hong Kong - A bank worker assigned a genderless toilet by his employer HSBC after he started dressing as a woman in the first stage of a sex change has logged a complaint against the banking giant, a news report said Thursday. The 55-year-old senior IT manager claims he has been not been able to use either the men’s or ladies’ staff toilets since he officially switched genders at the beginning of August. Instead, he claims his employer has assigned his a “genderless toilet” in an act of discrimination against him. The worker, surnamed Wong, is currently taking female hormone tablets and is set to have the sex change operation in November, the report in the Hong Kong Standard said. In the meantime, he claims he should be allowed to use the female washroom and has taken his fight to the Equal Opportunities Commission.
How dare HSBC treat Wong this way?! It’s a hate crime, pure and simple. What’s the point of being a pre-op if you’ve forced to use you’re own private bathroom? Half the fun of switching genders is hanging out on the bowl, talking office gossip with the rest of the gals in the next stalls. And letting them enjoy the giant dumps coming out of your still-man-sized digestive system. I’m shocked and appalled that an international banking conglomerate would still be practicing this kind of discrimination in this day and age.
PS. I’m thinking very seriously of stuffing my shirt and claiming I’m taking hormones if it will mean I no longer have to share an employee toilet with the fat, smelly bastards I work with.
7. EAST BROOKFIELD — Two women who allegedly broke into a man’s home and stole some of his clothing after he turned down their offer of a ménage Ã� trois will be back in court on Oct. 10. Alicea R. Carey, 21, of 129 Charlton Road, Spencer, and Jessica L. Quill, 22, of 11 LaFlash Lane, Leicester, were arrested in the early morning hours June 28 after a man who had dated both of them returned home to find the women breaking into his home on Wire Village Drive, Spencer. When police arrived, they found a basement door had been torn from its hinges and the two women were at the house. A 19-year-old man told police the women had been harassing him by calling and sending “slanderous” text messages along with a request for the three of them to have sex because “they were horny” and a picture of them posing, according to a police report. After being released on bail in June, they allegedly tried to persuade the man to drop the charges by text messaging him again. They were then charged with intimidation of a witness. Ms. Quill was also charged with making harassing telephone calls.
Hey they don’t call East Brookfield the swingers capital of America for nothing right? Anyway the devil is in the details with this case. It would be one thing if these two girls just showed up at this guys house looking for a threesome because they were bored and had nothing better to do. But quite clearly they told the police the reason they showed up was because they were horny. Now correct me if I’m wrong but I believe it’s written in the Constitution that if two horny girls show up at your front door looking to fuck, it’s your moral obligation to fuck. The only exception to this rule is if both chicks are so disgusting looking that you physically can’t get aroused by them. (Or if you’re gay) But this dude previously dated both of them at one time or another so he had to be somewhat attracted to them right? And that my friends is the perverbial menage A Triois smoking gun. Case dismissed.
8. NBC Philadelphia- Shame can be a powerful punishment.Just ask the guy who had to stand on the corner in Tysons Corner, Va., Wednesday morning.You know, the guy wearing the sign that said, “I CHEATED. THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT.”He told a passerby that he cheated on his wife and she found evidence on his cell phone.So the wife doled out a rather creative punishment: He had to stand at the intersection during morning rush, wearing the handmade sign.People reported seeing him as early as 9 a.m., and his presence was discussed on several of Washington D.C.’s morning radio shows. A little before 11 a.m., his wife texted him to let him know he’d been out there long enough. He removed the sign and skedaddled.Leesburg Pike in Tysons Corner is one of the most traffic-clogged arteries in the area, making for maximum viewing pleasure.
I don’t know about you but whenever I get caught cheating on the First Lady and the punishment options are have her fuck somebody else as revenge, divorce me and take half my Barstool empire, or wear a sign on a street corner for a couple hours, I’m going with the street sign everyday of the week and twice on Sundays. I mean if this is all that’s going to happen when I get caught cheating I wouldn’t even bother hiding it anymore. I’d just be laying pipe all over my apartment and then pick up the sign and go hang out for a couple hours. Because as far as punishments go this is a joke. In fact some may even say it’s kind of like a reward. Like an excuse to tell the world that you fuck bitches…deal with it. Sure nobody wants to openly admit that they cheat on their girlfriend/wife, but you know every dude who drove by was thinking “that’s right playa.” and all the chicks were like “that guy is so disgusting” but still getting wet as fuck. Because it’s a known fact ladies love married cock. So all this sign does is attract more chicks to this guy. It’s like a win, win for him.
9. Adam Schefter - What two knowledgeable NFL people described earlier this week as an “issue” in the Minnesota Vikings locker room was described Wednesday by a third informed person as a “schism.” The issue is quarterback Brett Favre, and the schism is the preference that certain Vikings players have for specific quarterbacks. Sources with knowledge of the Vikings locker-room dynamics say some players believe Tarvaris Jackson gives the Vikings the best chance to win, while other players believe Sage Rosenfels gives the team the best chance to win — which is one of the new twists to this storyline. In the words of one NFL source, Favre has “little support” in the locker room as Minnesota prepares for its Monday night preseason game against the Houston Texans. Favre, who signed only last week, struggled in his one preseason appearance but could easily win backers with improved performance and victories. But as it now stands, one NFL source said these locker-room issues stem back to long before the team signed Favre, and it’s possible they will not be going away any time soon unless Favre can completely silence them with his play.
What the hell is wrong with the Minnesota Vikings? Don’t they get it? This is Brett Favre we’re talking about, B-R-E-T-T-F-A-V-R-E, and they’d prefer these other guys? Tavaris Jackson is a quarterback. BrettFavre is more than that; he’s a football player. Sage Rosenfels isn’t an old gunslinger, but Brett Favre is. Neither of those guys is a Mississippi Riverboat Gambler. They’re not out there just trying to have a little fun. Has anyone iever heard Jackson or Rosenfels called tough as saddle leather? I think not. I can’t believe that the players in the Vikings locker room thinks they’ve got a better chance to win with these other guys. Because while maybe that’s true, there’s more to life in the National Football League than winning. There’s helping the greatest quarterback who ever lived get revenge against the team that moved on after he retired on them. And that’s way more important. I guess the rest of the Vikings players are just selfish.
10. Lawrence - Tony Dungy may have stepped off the NFL field, but when the Super Bowl-winning coach speaks, people still listen. Now, Dungy is speaking to high school coaches, football players, and their parents in movie theaters nationwide…Dungy’s First Annual National High School Kick Off Red Zone premiered at 400 theaters across the country Tuesday night. Red Zone features national players, coaches and Dungy himself giving insider tips on playing the game, conditioning and performing better on the field… But Red Zone isn’t just about playing better football. It’s also about scoring big in the game of life. “If you’re good off the field, you’re going to be good on the field,” says Lawrence North football player Charles Ash. “People look at your character first,” adds Wildcats teammate Joshua Sullivan.
So if there’s anyone out there still wondering why Tony Dungy chose to hang it up when he did, here’s your answer. Not to preach or mentor or spread the Gospel or whatever cock & bull story he gave us at the time. He quit so he could go out and make a buck for himself. He did was millions of others have done before him. He created this myth around him that he’s in tight with God and is using it to dupe rubes into forking over their money in hopes that they can learn how to do the same. It’s the oldest trick in the book. Selling tickets into heaven. That’s why he has to throw in all that stuff about being good off the field and character. Because, no one’s going to buy a ticket to hear St. Anthony of the Tampa-2 say “If your wideout shot up some poor bastard you’ve got to pretend it never happened as long as he can still catch passes.” I’m not mad at Dungy; I’m all for free enterprise. But let’s not kid ourselves, he’s not doing all this proseletizing for free. I’m just wondering how long before we get to see him doing a faith healing show on Sunday morning cable.
11. Seattle Times - The director of Snohomish County Planning and Development Services was fired last week after an independent investigation found that he had exposed himself to a woman during a golf tournament in June.According to the report, Ladiser drank two drink glasses of Jack Daniel’s after he arrived at the Golf Club at Redmond Ridge and continued to drink heavily as he played in a foursome that included MichaelPattison, government-affairs manager for the Master Builders. Witnesses said two nearby golfers were discussing tee length and one, the woman identified in the investigation as Jane Doe, held up a tee to Ladiser’s foursome. Ladiser then walked up to the woman, unzipped his pants and said something to the effect of “I’ll show you the size of my tee,” the report says.
Somewhere at Augusta National that old dude Hooty is shaking his head being like “this is why I don’t let bitches play on my golf course”. (Unless he’s dead which he may be) I mean what the fuck did this lady expect to happen? You’re having a debate about “tee size” and then ask a foursome of dudes in front of you if this tee qualifies as big? Automatic dick to the face. Automatic! It’s like a delay of game penalty in football. No grey area. Refs have to make the call. Same thing here. Chick asks you about tee size you got to show her your dick. Everybody knows that. It’s as much a part of golf as putting.
So I’ve been giving 98.5 The Sports Hub the benefit of the doubt and listening to it as much as possible lately. In fact I don’t even think I’ve turned on WEEI since the Sports Hub went live. Not because the Sports Hub is better but rather because it’s the new guy and I want to see if I like it. So far I’d say it feels exactly like listening to WEEI with the exception of this Damon Amendolara guy. (I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing by the way) Anyway Amendolara has much more of a National feel to him and I guess rightfully so. Because I did some quick google research and as far as I can tell he has absolutely no ties to Boston. Unless you count his cousin going to BU. (Not joking, it really says that on his bio) Anyway before getting hired at The Sports Hub he worked in Miami and Kansas City. He went to college at Syracuse, started some Syracuse blog and grew up in New York. In fact I think he’s a Yankees fan, but I can’t be sure about that? I do know he was talking Yankee baseball on the WFAN not too long ago which is kind of weird right? I mean when I first heard the show I just assumed he was local and 98.5 was giving him his first break, but that’s not the case at all. He’s like a journeyman radio guy. Again I don’t t know that’s a bad thing, but something just doesn’t feel right about an out of towner trying to act like he fits in. I guess disingenous is the word I’m looking for. So as you can see I’m kind of torn here. On the one hand I think he’s good, but on the other hand I don’t like it when guys act like they care about the local teams when they clearly don’t. I mean that would be like me writing Yankee blogs on Barstool NY. I almost feel like he’s better off coming clean and taking an enemy perspective or something. Anyway I’m curious what other people think about him and the Sports Hub in general?
12. CLEARWATER - Authorities say a Largo man was arrested after being accused of leaving two small children in his vehicle while he was in a Clearwater strip club. The Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office reports that 33-year-old Kenneth J. Summers left a 3-year-old and a 4-year-old in a car late Sunday night. The report says Summers was in the club, drinking at the bar, for 30 to 60 minutes. The nature of the relationship between Summers and the children was not released. He was arrested on two felony counts of child neglect and is being held at the Pinellas County Jail on $10,000 bail.
Call me old fashioned, but I believe that bringing children into this world brings with it certain responsibilities. And it seems to me that Kenneth J. Summers met his. I mean, what’s he supposed to do? Bring his kid’s into a titty bar? Then what would the sanctimonious Puritans who dimed him out to the Clearwater police say? That he shouldn’t be going to the strip club at all? Again, at the risk of sounding like an old curmudgeon, I believe that some things in this world are important; even sacred. And one of them is Kenneth J. Summers right to a good time. After all, do you think the people who called the cops on him were going into the bar to sell Bibles? And those places don’t come cheap. For what it would’ve cost him to bring those kids with him, buy them the two drink minimum and maybe a table dance or two, they’d probably be looking at nothing under the Christmas tree this year. Instead he does the mature, responsible thing and ends up in jail for it. Like I always say, no good deed goes unpunished.
13. CAIRNS, Australia — A man who used a public toilet in a shopping mall was taken to a hospital to have the toilet seat removed from his backside after someone smeared it with glue in what an official condemned Monday as a sick joke. Police urged possible witnesses to come forward after the 58-year-old man was humiliated in the northeastern city of Cairns by the prank. An ambulance was called to help the man after he was found stuck by fast-acting adhesive glue to a toilet seat on Saturday in the busy shopping mall. Paramedics removed the seat from the toilet and took him to a hospital, where medical staff used industrial solvents to get it off. Cairns local government official Di Forsyth said the man, who was not identified, was not injured but was “extremely embarrassed” by his experience.”I’m disgusted that a gentlemen has had to go through that because someone thinks it’s funny,” Forsyth said. “It’s a sick joke.”
You’re damn right this is disgusting and a sick joke! I mean who the fuck takes a shit in a public toilet without putting down a force field on the seat first? That’s diabolical! Seriously I’d rather shit myself then go ass to seat direct. Can’t you like catch Aids and shit doing that? Fucking gross! So sorry old man but you have nobody to blame but yourself here. You don’t want to get a toilet seat glued to your asshole? Put down some toilet paper first. It’s shitting 101.
14. OHIO TOWNSHIP, Pa. – Police arrested a McKeesport man on Wednesday and charged him with indecent assault and corruption of minors after a game of “truth or dare” with two underage girls. Ohio Township Chief Norbert Michlos told Channel 11 News reporter Renee Kaminski that Justin Sayre, 18, was at a friend’s house in Ben Avon in June when he was playing truth-o- dare with a group of younger and older kids. Police said the game became X-rated when Sayre put chocolate on his chest and dared the girls, ages 11 and 14, to lick it off. Investigators said he then kissed the girls and, while they were sleeping, lay on top of them. Sayre is charged with five counts of indecent assault and three counts of corruption of minors.
Ok so obviously this guy is a fucking creep. I mean everybody knows you got to wait to mount chicks in their sleep until the girls are at least 18. But the thing that sucks is that “Truth or Dare” is getting thrown under the bus here. Listen is this guy a pervert? Yes? Does that have anything to do with the daring somebody to lick chocolate off your chest? Absolutely not. In fact I don’t even know why it’s part of the story. Like why is the headline in this story “man had underage girls lick chocolate off his chest” as opposed to “man crawled on girls and kissed them while the slept”? That’s the fucking crime! I just felt like I had to step up and clear Chocolate’s good name because nobody else is doing it. I mean if you take away dares like this from Truth or Dare and you might as well just be playing hopscotch.
15. NY Post - A knife-wielding mugger wearing a Boston Red Sox cap has been targeting mostly young women in a seven-month reign of terror on the subways. The thug has struck 13 times since January on nine different lines across four boroughs. Ten victims have been female. “It’s scary to ride on the train anytime, but now with this, it’s just crazy,” said Elise Bradford, 33, an administrative assistant who lives in Inwood and rides the A train. “I can’t afford cabs, but I take them anyway. Better to be broke and safe than hurt by this guy.” Police sources described the fiend as a smooth operator who sidles up to his victims, flashes his blade and calmly makes off with cash, bank cards and other valuables. “He is very confident with himself,” a source said. “He walks off very calmly in many cases. He doesn’t attract attention.”
And this, my friends, is how a perfect metaphor is created. A Red Sox fan with the balls of a brass monkey walking up to New Yorkers in the heart of their own city, robbing them blind and they’re helpless to stop him. It sounds exactly how the last five years have gone. The only way this could be better is if the guy got mugged by Yankee fans three times and then came back and robbed them four straight times. Or if his name turns out to be “Dave” or “Roberts.” Or if along with the Sox hat he was wearing one bloody sock. I hate to admit it, there’s something profoundly sad about this story. I remember a time not too long ago when a guy pulling this sort of thing wouldn’t have lasted two minutes in a Manhattan subway. When New Yorkers would’ve killed the guy worn his skull on a chain around their necks just for the sin of wearing the red “B”, never mind what they’d do to him for stealing from girls. New Yorkers were a once proud race. And a worthy adversary. But now I guess they’ve just gotten accustomed to being beaten.
16. HINGHAM — A Hingham woman was arrested after police say she became enraged and assaulted a store clerk with a bottle of apple juice and a Slim Jim snack. Police say the woman was angry because the store didn’t have an item she wanted. She also believed she had been overcharged. The incident occurred at the Cracker Barrel on Main Street. Police said the woman threw the bottle of juice at the clerk, striking him in the head. She then allegedly punched him and threw the Slim Jim at him. She drove off in a black Saab convertible after tearing down the store’s front flag. Police searched the area and put out a lookout alert for the woman. They had no leads until the next day, Aug. 8, when Hingham officer Daniel Leary noticed that the driver of a Saab convertible in Hingham Square was playing music loudly and singing.
I can’t say I didn’t see this one coming. That Hingham Cracker Barrel has been a haven of crime for years. But I guess it’s to be expected when you don’t keep fully stocked shelves in Hingham. I mean this isn’t Weymouth we’re talking about. These MILF’s don’t take shit from anybody. It’s almost like the cops won’t be happy till somebody gets killed there.
PS - I love how the cops found this lady because she was playing her music loudly and singing. That’s like a dead give away of a ruffian in Hingham.
17. KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia — A Muslim part-time model will be caned next week, becoming the first woman in Malaysia to be given the punishment under Islamic law, after she pleaded guilty to drinking beer, a prosecutor said Wednesday. An Islamic court in July ordered that Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno, 32, be lashed six times with a rattan cane after she was caught drinking alcohol in a raid on a hotel night club in eastern Pahang state last year. Prosecutor Saiful Idham Sahimi said Kartika will be the first woman to be caned under Islamic law after she chose not to appeal the sentence. “This is the first case in Malaysia . … It is a good punishment because under Islamic law a person who drinks commits a serious offense,” he said.Saiful said the rattan cane to be used on Kartika would be lighter than the one used on men, and its purpose was to “educate” rather than punish.
Listen, I know that we don’t always see eye to eye with the Muslim World. But is this really the message they want to send to chicks? That you’ll get caned if you drink? I mean if chicks can’t get loaded how do you take advantage of them and shit? Because pussy is pussy whether it’s Muslim pussy or not. So nobody could be that fucked in the head right? It’s one thing to blow shit up but this is just nuts. So I’m just going to give these Muslims the benefit of the doubt and say that none of this would be happening if this was a “full time” model. Instead this was like Muslim code for we beat her for being ugly in public. Now that’s I a message we could all get on board with. Enough part time models with attitude. Give us full time models who want to bang.
18. NJ.com -In an attempt to put out one fire, Jets coach Rex Ryan threw more gasoline on an old one… Patriots coach Bill Belichick is notorious for having assistants search the internet for quotes and then using them as motivation for his players…”When I said that about Belichick (”I’m not here to kiss his rings.”), I’m just letting him know I’m not intimidated by him,” said Ryan at his noon press conference. “He has the same position as I have. We’re both head coaches in this league. He just happens to have a helluva lot of Super Bowl rings and I don’t have a win. I understand that. But again, we’re not going to tiptoe our way through this thing. You don’t line up and beat a Bill Belichick-coached team by tiptoeing in there. We’re just going to be ourselves. I’m going to be myself. That’s just the way it is. How much motivation are they going to get by putting a quote from me on the wall saying that I believe in my football team. That I’m not going to be intimidated by a coach or anyone else. If that’s where you’re going to draw motivation from, hell, we’ll probably kick your ass.”
Usually it takes a year or so for a Jets coach to establish himself as a buffoon, but Rex Ryan has wasted no time putting on the clown’s nose and the big floppy shoes that it took Herm Edwards and Eric Mangini years to perfect. It’s pretty transparent already that as soon as he got the job of HC of the NYJs, Ryan decided to deal with the pressure of the job and the NY media hoards by creating this character of Rex Ryan, the Big, Brash, Fat Guy. Buddy’s kid. The bombastic rookie coach who won’t be intimidated and is capable of saying anything. While Belichick is running his team through goal line plays, down & distance scenarios and clock management drills they’ll need when the season starts, Coach Ryan is focused on making the back page of the NY tabloids. Different strokes I guess. Hell, I’m not even mad about this. The 2009 NFL season, with Tom Brady’s comeback and the Patriots return to dominance, is shaping up to be one of the great modern sports dramas. And every great drama needs a little comedy relief, whether it’s the gravediggers in “Hamlet” or the Artful Dodger in “Oliver Twist” or Jar Jar Binks. If Rex Ryan wants to compare Bill Belichick resume (5 Super Bowl rings) to his own (2-2 postseason record in 4 years as the Ravens’ DC) he can be my guest. He can stick his head in the lion’s mouth all he wants, but that never turned a clown into a lion tamer.
19. CNN - Seeking a sugar daddy (or sugar-mama)? Follow the money to these towns and cities, where affluent young professionals are abundant. Folks in Arlington benefit from their proximity to Boston but enjoy the quiet of suburban life. Massachusetts Ave. is the “spine” of the city, where residents go to shop and dine. If you’re an old-fashioned guy or gal — and we mean really old-fashioned — be sure to check out the historical reenactment of a Revolutionary War battle on Patriots’ Day. Seeking a thespian? Volunteer for the community theater, or audition for a show: you could meet the Juliet to your Romeo. There are no bars in Arlington, but Boston’s bustling social scene is just a stone’s throw away.
And here I was thinking that I was the only one dreaming of hitting the lottery, moving to Arlington and frolicking with the rich and famous. I mean sure Malibu, Laguna Beach and Beverly Hills are nice, but they’re still no Arlington. Who cares if the town kind of sucks and has no bars or nightlife to speak of. I mean who wouldn’t want to live…..Ok enough is enough. You guys can come out now. I know I’m obviously on candid camera or punk’d right now. Where are the cameramen? In my tshirt boxes or something? Because there is no way CNN could really be saying Arlington is the 10th best city in the country to be rich and single right? Arlington’s not even the 10th best place to live Middlesex County. Seriously who the fuck comes up with this shit? It’s almost like somebody saw that survey from the Princeton Review a couple weeks ago saying that BC has the 10th best student body for sports and was like I’ll fucking teach those assholes a thing or two about making a fool out of yourselves.
20. The Feed - The actor from a popular UK public service announcement about how to avoid swine flu … has been diagnosed with swine flu. In the advertisement (video below) from the U.K. Department of Health, actor David McCusker first sneezes the “wrong” way in an elevator, spraying mucus everywhere, then sneezes the “right” way — into a tissue, which he promptly throws away and washes his hands. The campaign’s tagline: “Catch It, Bin It, Kill It.” Except now, according to the Daily Mail, McCusker has been diagnosed with swine flu. “It was a shock when I found out,” McCusker told the paper. “I quarantined myself and I’ve been getting lots of [grief] from mates,” he said. “I was supposed to ‘Catch It, Bin It, Kill It’ but instead I’ve been shivering, shaking and spreading it.”
Man, this Swine Flu is one ornery motherfucker huh? I mean you talk a little shit about it and boom it goes right after your fucking ass. That’s why I purposely haven’t bad mouthed it yet. Listen Swine Flu I know I have a weak immune system. If I don’t get 10 hours of sleep I get sick and I’m always fucking tired. And yes I’m going to Mexico on my honeymoon. I tried to switch it, but it was too late. Trust me it’s not because I’m not afraid of you. I totally respect what you’re doing out there and how you’re killing people and shit. I’m on your side. I know you’re better than me. Nothing to prove here. So if you could just find in your heart to leave me alone I’d really appreciate it.